The One Where Ray Lazer FINALLY Directs $ome XXX

Me On Set

Me On Set

by Marcus Lebov

$o, Mr. Boston and I are now the owners and operators of our own bona fide XXX production company called GangstA Films – we have no office space or mailing address but we’re ready to shoot.

$o, we use my personal address and hold meetings at our attorney’s office or at the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel, where Mr. Boston always stayed when he came to town – no matter what.

We’ve now recruited (read: stolen) one of the best XXX wranglers in the biz, potentially the 3rd partner; a number cruncher; a producer who knew DPs, agents, tennis sneaker pimps, producers, production companies, editors, grips, gaffers, and the talent.

He knew everyone in the game, and more importantly, for some unbeknownst fucking reason, they respected him, they even liked him. I thought he was a fake dick sucking asshole from the get go but my buddy, who’d been an agent in the XXX game forever told me, Look Ray – you need an A+ wrangler in order to rock the house in this business and this is the guy – and I’m getting him for you on a silver platter. Right about now you’re probably asking the same question that Mr. Boston and I initially asked – who and what the fuck is a WRANGLER?

It’s XXX lingo for a balls out shot-caller producer/production manager.  $o, the XXX agent gets us WAX – a dude who’d just royally fucked over TERA PATRICK’s husband, Tera and the entire Tera Empire. But Wax was wrangler extraordinaire.

I should have called my buddy the super XXX agent and his pal Wax the dynamic duo of stranglers, not wranglers. These guys were a whole different breed of humans. I’m coming from an A-List Hollywood milieu, so to speak, so I’ve met and dealt with my fare and share of “double parked” cock sucker lying ass motherfuckers, but these guys, they would sell their mother for a bottle of Percocet.

$o, Wax was coming to us straight from Tera Patrick’s company where he was basically running the entire show for her and her dick smoking hubby, aka the ex-lead singer of BIOHAZARD. When people like Wax aren’t loyal to the people they’re  with – or were with for years and years – fuck me gently with a chainsaw if you think that that same motherfucker is gonna now somehow be loyal to you.

I get a couple of OKs from XXX people, telling me that Wax is well worth his weight in gold and that his association with GANGSTa FILMS will open a terrific number of doors.

$o, now we have Wax, we have the FACE SMACK CHICK, we have a hellacious pipe hittin’ JEW LAWYER. It’s time for me to start writing, shooting, cutting. I’m the director, Wax the producer – my go to guy for anything and everything. Mr. Boston has to go back East to hustle up cash.
It was time to pop my proverbial cherry.

shooting xxx

1st XXX scene as a director: We’d scored the girl I wanted to use and the cinematographer I wanted to use – Axel Braun, this guy had his hands insured by Lords of London for over a million dollars per hand, so goes the rumor.

Once the rest of the female talent was semi-locked into place I quickly learned that talent in the XXX world works very much like A list Hollywood in a surreal way: It has Dos and Don’ts –  she might do a threesome with 2 guys at once but never with another woman.

But these girls, and their rules, are flexible. Just throw the girl’s scumbag agent more cash.

$o, I tell the agent – my supposed buddy – what the fuck? I want her do this and this and this – hook your buddy up? Let me see what I can do, he says. As if this is a fucking favor.

$o, we end up paying this chick more than before and I fucking turned everybody onto this chick – no one knew who the fuck she was – meanwhile my agent “buddy” has just gotten more $$ outta me for this chick and he ends up signing her as a client with himself. This agent never would have known who she was without me but so goes the game of XXX – The Flip Side of Hollywood.

Wax tells Axel Braun, my DP, to basically walk me through the game. It’s my 1st time directing but I can shoot A camera or B camera – I wrote the scene – I’m directing the scene and I’m very capable of telling this chick what to do and how to do it – end of storyno big dealright?

The scene – the film – would not be directed by me but by my alter ego, RAY LAZER. No matter what the fuck Axel ends up doing or helping me with – he’s there to walk me through my first gig – a hired gun by me – Mr. Boston and dick-mouth Wax.

$o, of course, Wax gave me every assurance that the whole shebang would go off without a glitch – “You got it, Ray – No problem, Ray Ray – yada yada yada.” And I know dudes like Axel Braun even in A list Hollywood – people who say things like, right, right, right and no prob and I gotcha.

After months and months, Wax goes on record and says, “Ray shot B camera only. Axel Braun directed the whole show.”

I kid you not.

TO BE CONTINUED:

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